For The Ladies (On Shunning The Grey)...

This – this needs to be said.

And it’s something I often write about on my blog; but, as we all know, what goes live on my vsco typically comes down in 24 hours (unless it’s photography / photography adjacent). What I publish here, stays – FOREVER. Just kidding, it stays indefinitely because I’ve actually made the effort to sit in front of my laptop and type it out – rather than tapping away sporadically on my phone.

Right – what is it that needs to be said? Ladies, non-ladies that identify more closely with the ladies, non-ladies that are rebels and just want to listen in – listen up:

Anyone who sells you the concept of “the grey” in love is duping you.

I know, I know. This is controversial, people will come for my neck for saying it – but I’ve said it, and I’m committing to my opinion like MAGA advocates commit to their hideous hats.

Anyway – what do I mean by the grey? The grey is anything that resembles…

“You’re a really nice person, I’m so lucky to have you – these things take time.”

“We must hide this from the world, the world will curse our relationship vis a vis their evil eyes / curses” (as though the world doesn’t have more important things to worry about i.e World War III)

“You’ve gotta understand…I was really hurt last time, I need time and consistency” (are you training a golden retriever or being courted????)

“It’s so childish to expect commitments / decisions like this! Time, time, time.”

“There are no black and white answers in love, we must think critically – adults thrive in the grey. The in-between. Much like in life – there are no clear answers, it’s ambiguous, make your peace with it.”

Why? Why should you have to make your peace with anything at all?

Motion denied.

Now, what qualifies me (the most single girl in the group chat) to speak on this subject?

Why should you listen to me?

I don’t know, to be honest. You don’t have to listen to me about anything at all – but clearly, something about me resonates with you, it’s why you’re here. Take whatever you’d like, leave what you don’t. This is a free for all okay? Let’s get right to it.

Have you ever seen a 6-year-old having a meltdown in a video game store?

I have, plenty of times – especially if it’s a game that they really want! 95 % of the children I’ve encountered fall into this meltdown category – that’s not to say that more mature / sensitive children don’t exist, they certainly do (but they’re rare (and probably mildly traumatized)). Most kids don’t have the emotional tools / awareness / understanding necessary for curbing their impulses (this is -natural-).

So, when a child really wants something, that’s it – they get tunnel vision re said object.

As they transition into adulthood, children (usually) gain more life experiences, greater empathy, emotional intelligence / awareness, and these reckless impulsive demands retreat to the back burner in their minds – but they don’t disappear (nothing ever does), they transform.

Can you see where I’m going with this?

Have you ever seen a child vying after an object – but playing games to get to it? Have you ever seen a child saying something along the lines of:

“Of course, I really want this video game….But let me give it 3 to 5 years, and a little bit of back and forth – some signs, some signals, some code messages – and then I’ll go grab it through this extensive maze that I’ve created for myself.”

No!

They will literally swoop across the floor and dig their mini claws into the object of their desire, they’ll hold onto said object tightly (as though not doing so would lead to some sort of a heist / robbery – as though this video game is all that stands between them, and world domination).

Ladies (gents, aliens, martians), this behaviour doesn’t change! Ever! I strongly dislike comparing humans to inanimate objects vis a vis silly analogies, but in this case – I’ll make an exception, and I’ll objectify you to get my point across.

You are the video game (please forgive me!)

Often, we make things in life more complicated than they need to be – because the simple truth just stings. It sucks, I get it, trust me, I do.

But I would rather cauterize you with a scalding hot knife, than leave your wound unattended…Until it festers into a painful infection, and we have to chop off your arm (yes I do have nightmares about this, besides the point).

This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships, by the way, and I’d like to make that perfectly clear.

This back and forth, supply / demand, perceived value / actual value thing applies to any / all relationships that you can possibly have (even the one with your cat). If you’re interviewing for a job, this is relevant. If you’re making a new friend, this is relevant. If you’re figuring out family dynamics, this is relevant.

If you’re seeing some dud, and trying to determine if he’s worth the investment…Well, this is most certainly relevant.

If they want you, you will know. There is no guessing, there are no mind games, you don’t have to decode their text messages like an insufferable game of sudoku – there’s none of that. The object of your desire will make it (at times) -painfully– clear, that they want you, and that they have tunnel vision for you.

The problem you may then encounter, is tackling your desire – and whether it’s impacted by this person’s (genuine) interest. That one’s a bit more complex, and I may not be equipped to speak on it (not that I’m particularly well equipped to speak on any of this, but whatever). I’ll try.

There’s this interesting thing that folks in sales do, you may have encountered it many times yourself: They create the illusion of scarcity – think:

Limited time drops, rare collections, only a handful of tickets, only a few invited to the gala, only a handful of seats at the table – and while these things are genuinely scarce at times, 92 % of these scenarios are grossly exaggerated (to increase the perceived value / sales volumes). Your monkey brain doesn’t want things if they’re easily available in the millions, I wish it did (wouldn’t that be nice? Wouldn’t it make life a lot easier for all of us? But it doesn’t).

This is the origin of the pick me girls, it’s also the origin of the girls that came up with the concept of pick me girls – thereby, creating their own pick me category. You want something unique, something that (from your perspective) holds value (on an emotional level, on a socioeconomic level, maybe through an aesthetic lens – I don’t know, all your trigger points are unique to you). You want something to fill the gap that you perceive in yourself – something that (you think) will increase your value in front of the world (thereby feeding your ego, which is always a nice little high).

AKA – you want the gnome that will help you spin your straw into gold, but no matter how much he spins, and how much you trade off – it’ll never be quite right, never quite enough. The more that he spins, the more your ego demands, this is not love – but it is what most of our world refers to as love, so I’ll go with it for now. The little boy in the video game store is trying to fulfill his fantasy (i.e the high / satisfaction he assumes he’ll feel once he finally attains you) – his fantasy is impossible to fulfill, much like your insatiable desire.

But I don’t want to leave you feeling hopeless, so let me reassure you, as I often do: Magic does exist.

Occasionally, a little boy walks into a video game store – and he has his eyes trained on one video game, and one video game alone (it’s the most challenging video game in the world, and he may have to spend his entire life dedicated to it). The boy is up for the challenge – and overtime, he genuinely becomes emotionally attached to this video game (one which accompanies him through major life experiences). He develops a fondness for it, he sits on the porch with the video game until he expires (or until the video game expires, whatever comes first).

Occasionally, Rumplestiltskin barges into a castle – and the young maiden in question thanks him for his time, instead of asking him for more. She digs her claws into his core, she wants to know more about this magical gnome that can spin straw into gold – she’s more invested in who he is, rather than what he can do for her.

Occasionally, all of this happens.

But to get to that occasionally – you need to stop entertaining all these maybes!

Repeat after me:

Okay? Kapeesh?

If you made it this far, then, I don’t know. Virtual cookie for you.

I hope you got something out of this: Maybe it was just dry enough to put you to sleep, maybe it’s a pep talk that found you at the right time, maybe it’s something to sneer / scoff at. Whatever purpose this served for you (or whatever purpose it didn’t serve), I’m glad you’re here!

There’s no rhyme or reason to these journal entries (much like my thoughts) – they just are. I am not qualified to speak on any of this – I’m just a stupidly observant person, one who needs to put words to things until they make sense for me (and maybe for you?)

Xo,

M