My Advice to...Whoever This Resonates With:
I don't know what to call it, but I promise you that it exists. It isn't imaginary, it isn't symbolic; it isn't lost to the brutality of language, or nuance, or man's inherent selfishness – it exists, I know it exists because I have seen it. I have seen it many times: In an infant's firm hold on the first finger he encounters, in a backyard overflowing with grandma's favourite jasmines, in a friend's tight embrace as I break down sobbing unexpectedly, in a mother's calmness as she watches her child wither away – and in her resolute faith in the coming of spring.
I have witnessed it crossing oceans, and transcending time. I saw it before I was granted the gift of sight. I promise you that it exists, because you exist – and you're bursting at the seams with it.
But you must learn to discern – and in order to discern, you must know what it is not:
- Your loneliness, and the rabbit hole this leads you down.
Rabbit holes can be scary, even more horrifying are the creatures you may encounter post-dive – I empathize with your desire to cling to something familiar, anything at all. But the cheshire cat is not your friend, the mad hatter is not your ally – both of these characters can only dream of something you possess in heaps: Your courage, and your steady hands.
The burden of their their origin stories is not yours to bear. There's a reason that these two are still here, after all these years – their stories passed down from generation to generation. My great grandmother was once caught in the web of their riddles, followed by my grandmother, and my mother after her – I too, wasn't exempt from this rite of passage.
Families started, and shrank; children were born, some didn't stay; wars were fought, land was conquered; humanity failed itself, before making an inch of progress; years transpired, centuries – even. But the cheshire cat and the mad hatter remained in Wonderland. They function as permanent fixtures here, destined never to leave – women are bound to encounter them, again, and again, and again – this is our curse.
This place is full of grief, your grief, their grief – our grief – you must make it out in one piece – and even if you lose yourself along the way (which you inevitably will), you must get reacquainted with your lost half to escape.
The only way out is through. The only way out is through. The only way out is through. The only way out is through.
- Your fear(s) – so many, I see them all: Your fear of rejection, your fear of repeating patterns, your fear of being just like them, your fear of wasted potential, your fear of love – your fear of love's crushing force, your fear of the danger that it poses to your very being.
Some of these fears are justified, I confess. But if the wrong people come to know your fears – they will use these as bait to hook you (there are plenty of bored fishermen out there, these are the men I abhor. They aren't fishing for sustenance, they're fishing just to toss you back into the ocean once their boredom passes. You are a shark, swallow them whole – show no mercy).
- Your skepticism.
Within life's long list of sadistic habits, there's one that stands out to me: That is, its tendency to show us the worst aspects of humanity, followed by a simple remark, delivered with nonchalance and ease: “if you want to find 'it,' you must become a blank slate.”
You must bear the burden of the earth, while flowing with the sea – you are not Sisyphus, but you are the sentient hill that he climbs day in / day out.
You still remember the first time you saw Sisyphus conquering your peak – you were proud of him, you had swallowed every drop of his sweat as though it were your own, you had silently rooted for him – aiming to make yourself a little softer, if only to ease the pain on his bare feet.
And then – the rock rolled down – as did Sisyphus, you saw his pain repeating itself in a steady pattern, over, and over, and over again – you cemented his burden in your roots – in your very being.
But life insists that if you want to find 'it,' you must have faith that one day – Sisyphus will find another hill, a kinder hill, one that doesn't doom him. Life insists that one day, you may become this very hill – outweighing the curses of the Gods and their incessant vanity.
Your belief in this is impossible. Your belief in this is necessary.
- Your battle with the mirror.
I don't know what to say about this. I truly don't. Mirrors confuse me because they aren't entirely man made – and yet they are.
Mirrors – as nature intended them, had once been based on others' perceptions of us. On good days, mirrors could be found in river streams – but the streams were fluid, moody, forever shifting. There were no resolute perceptions, no resolute reflections, and no guarantees – what man has created is something else entirely.
Object permanence isn't a particularly revolutionary concept, but the way object permanence has evolved – specifically with respect to man's relationship with his reflection is something that's fascinating to me. The accessibility we now have – the immediate feedback loop...I sometimes stay up until the late hours of the morning trying to figure out which is worse.
But you shouldn't have to.
This is all you need to know: Make your peace with the mirror, because it is here now – and it will stay, much like death, taxes, and furniture. 'It' will not find you until you do – and I know that this is easier said than done so I don't care to elaborate on this train of thought much further. It gets preachy.
Do whatever you need to do, whatever this means for you.
But a little kindness goes a long way – or a good old existential crisis so you can permanently dismiss the mirror's existence altogether.
- Your needs. The gaps in your soul, ego, vanity, dependence, you – you, you, you – none of you. None at all.
This is probably the trickiest one on my list, one that I still struggle with – which is perhaps why I'm also struggling to deconstruct it here. Stay with me, if you'd like.
There are no resolute reflections in reality, there isn't a single, functional, streamlined version of you out there – so it may be fair to deduce that there isn't a single streamlined version of 'it' either. If that's how we're defining 'it', then it doesn't exist – and in knowing that, maybe you'll find some comfort in the realization that a part of it has always existed precisely for this reason. You're here, aren't you? Reading this?
I think – I think when you can let go of you – which may be impossible (much like a happy ending for Sisyphus, or the evaporation of mirrors) – I think that's when you'll find it.
Because maybe it's been here all along, maybe it never left. Maybe it just got lost, in all the nonsense.
Maybe this piece helped, maybe it just led you into a frustrating loop.
I apologize for that – truthfully, I never have a conclusion in mind when I start writing, I wish I could give you a firm answer that would satisfy both of our needs – but that would be doing a disservice to my thoughts, their authenticity, and your faith.
It does feel good to write again, though. Those of you that have been with me since 2017 on vsco – thank you for your continued patience with me while I found a new home for my sporadic thoughts. It was important for me to find a platform that maintains a certain level of anonymity (i.e no unnecessary engagement in the form of likes / comments / follower – following visibility) – this was a surprisingly difficult task (shocker).
But I think I may have found a new home for us – and I hope you'll continue to stay here with me. I've said this several times, but I'll reiterate it once again: You, are my dearest confidant, and my longest love affair. Your presence makes this journey tolerable, and I'm forever indebted to / in gratitude of/for your company.
I've been holding onto a few journal entries and an interesting narrative for the last four years, which I'm very excited to share with you on March 11th! This is only 12 days away – so I thought I'd be a polite host, and get us started with an appetizer.
Bon appétit.